I take my shitposts very seriously.
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Debian, all the way. I’ve got both ubuntu (made by my predecessor) and debian servers at work, and as far as maintenance and administration, they’re more or less identical. The one thing that sometimes catches me off-guard is that sudo is not installed by default, and you have to su - into a root session.
I’ve never used a pi, but it should be possible to mount the root partition and edit the /etc/network/interfaces or /etc/dhcpcd.conf file, or /etc/NetworkManager/conf.d/* if you have NetworkManager (systemctl status NetworkManager to check).
You should also make sure that sshd is listening for connections from any address (0.0.0.0 and ::).
Give each device a static address, and set the default gateway to whatever’s on the other end of the cable. You might need a crossover cable, but most NICs can work using a straight-through.
E.g. set the laptop’s address to 169.254.1.1/16 and default gateway to 169.254.1.2, and the RPi’s address to 169.254.1.2/16 and default gateway to 169.254.1.1. They should be able to talk to each other then.
If those addresses seem familiar - Windows uses the 169.254.0.0/16 subnet to automatically assign random addresses if DHCP fails, so that if there are several computers in the subnet, they’ll at least have addresses that can talk to each other. It’s called APIPA in Windows, and Zeroconf in the Unixverse.
Seconded. ZFS needs to see the physical devices, so hardware RAID is out. It implements a RAID-5-like parity-based software solution called RAID-Z, and is capable of disk mirroring.
It can work with hardware RAID or with a single physical disk, but don’t expect it to last for a long time, and definitely don’t use it beyond testing.
If you really, really, really don’t want to buy a keyboard and monitor, you can buy a USB KVM console, but it’ll likely cost more. Something like this: https://www.startech.com/en-us/server-management/notecons01